Saturday, January 23, 2010

Procrastinating and thinking...

It has been a while since I have written and I blame it on the fact that I am working long but rewarding hours and I've had the flu for the last couple days.

So here I sit on a Saturday night, trying hard to ignore the mess of my home. Husband is working the late night shift and although I have a long list of things I want to get done, I really have no energy or inclination to do so. I have done some work I brought home with me even though I was not supposed to (hubby thinks that the work I bring home is why I am sick but I am not ready to admit that yet).

Being a bit of a loner, I really have no friends to call upon to legitimise my procrastination of cleaning. I have never been one to make friends easily, but then again it's not a high priority for me. Friends should come naturally, I think, and not be forced upon through circumstances or location. People are so varied so that even as a child, you can see the different personalities of people in a confined group.

When I started this journey into the world of spanking, I was still naive enough to think that to be part of a group you had to embrace all of the groups beliefs. Going to university at 17 gave me the freedom to explore this world without repercussions from my parents.  Not that I think they would have a problem, I just think they would become overprotective.

I have to admit that I became a little frightened from the first images that I saw when I typed the forbiddened word into Google. Most of the images I had my head were not of women with agonising pain sketched on their faces but those are the images that showed up. This ended up turning me off spanking a couple of months and I tried my best to forget I had even considered this activity to be normal.

But as many of you know that feeling just doesn't go away. Determined to find like-minded people, I decided to try a search again. This time I decided that maybe stories would be a better way, since I would be able to develop their images in my head instead of relying on camera. And thus, I found my niche.

I am sure most people would find my interests rather tame, the stories and pictures I like often have the spankee smiling and baiting the spanker and they are both enjoying themselves. It took me awhile to realize and accept that there are different levels (I hesitate to say the word levels as there really are no clear-cut levels) but I am starting to understand how people have come to like or want a type of play. I see the draw of being spanked to tears to relieve guilt or the thrill of being tied up and left helpless but it is not for me. It may be in the future (going to a spanking party has always interested me but I don't know if that will ever happen) but for now I am content to be plain old me.

While I still have not been able to fully tell my husband of my fantasies, he at least knows of mine interest. When I first told him, I might have been 19 years old and while he was accepting of this fact, he showed no desire and I think was taken back.

In the past year, it has been an interesting transformation for both of us. It was two weeks ago that he actually threatened to spank me but to him that means maybe one or two swats on my rear. I think my greatest fear is that I will lose the progress we have made together in this if I ask for something more.

Every weekend I make up my mind to tell him, to show him the pictures, or even my stories, and every weekend I chicken out. He knows I have something to tell him and I have a pretty good feeling he knows what it is about.

It's Saturday night, and I'm trying to ignore the mess in my home. I am trying to figure out a way to tell the person I love a secret which has been plaguing me the majority of my life. I am trying to share the real and true complete me.

Wish me luck! Keep safe everybody!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

So what am I afraid of?

Don't worry, Hell has not frozen over although the weather here might suggest otherwise. I had a fitfull night of sleep last night but it gave me some time to think about where I want this blog to go. I am not defined by one aspect of my life and so I don't think this blog should be either.

So for the new year this blog will take on a new direction. I think that having only one topic for a blog would certainly be rather boring. Some of the topics I will probably be covering over the year will include topics like my ever growing interest in protecting our environment and living on less in terms of plastics and other harmful materials as well as my probably frustrating journey of trying to knit socks.

Today definitely had some ups and downs.I saw a movie I'd been waiting to see and truly enjoyed it. Then my printer decided to quit and I got into a bit of a fight with my husband because he asked me something I absolutely hate to hear when something goes wrong. He asked me what he could do to help.

Now normally, if he asks this when I'm carrying something heavy, or I could use an extra hand in the kitchen I don't mind this as I have something tangable for him to do. Instead he asked this knowing there was nothing he could do. He did this out of love, but all it does is aggravate me because there is nothing he can do so why waste the words. So he left for work, frustrated at my reaction and I left feeling in my that he would ask me such a silly question.

I definitely overreacted but I can't say I am sorry for how I feel. This however was just the beginning of the rest of my frustrating day.

When I went on a Freecycling mission (where people post stuff they want taken for free so it does not go in the garbage) I ended up going an hour away to an intersection which shares its name with two others in the immediate area. I obviously went to the wrong one.

So among the blowing snow and beautiful landscape the thing I had a lot of time to think. I began to think of why in the last two days I have been unable to ask my husband to spank me. I was so close last night but it felt like my brain was screaming at me to stop. During my journey today. I tried to figure out why my mouth was so eager to explain what I wanted yet all I could do was look at him while he waited expectently for me to say my piece.

It dawned on me today as I was alone in my car that I was afraid of what my confession would start. I was afraid that my independent feminist personality is stopping me from submitting to something I think about everyday.

My husband has been brought up to believe that the man of the household is the head and needs to take care of his family. While he certainly does not agree with oppression of women, I know that he feels the need to take care of me, whether I want it or not.

Do I truly believe that he will become a dominating person if I tell him my secret? Absolutely not!I know in my heart that while the dynamics of our relationship would change, I think it would change for the better. I am afraid of what he will think of me. I'm afraid he will think of me as the hypocrite for all the times I have gone on about feminism and the right of equality.

As I write this I realise how this makes him sound. I think I should explain that while I don't believe he is a true vanilla, he certainly does not understand the community I am now trying to be a part of. Perhaps it is not him I'm afraid of disappointing.  Perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am afraid that I will lose my ability to call myself as someone who believes in equal rights. Perhaps I will lose something of myself if I ask for it.

There are a lot of perhaps. I know I will not lose these things so why do I have the irrational fear? Is there anyone out there, who has felt the same way as me?

This is where I stop today. I don't want this to become a rambling post so I will ask for your opinion on this matter.

Blessed be and stay safe!


P.s. Happy New Year!