Sunday, January 3, 2010

So what am I afraid of?

Don't worry, Hell has not frozen over although the weather here might suggest otherwise. I had a fitfull night of sleep last night but it gave me some time to think about where I want this blog to go. I am not defined by one aspect of my life and so I don't think this blog should be either.

So for the new year this blog will take on a new direction. I think that having only one topic for a blog would certainly be rather boring. Some of the topics I will probably be covering over the year will include topics like my ever growing interest in protecting our environment and living on less in terms of plastics and other harmful materials as well as my probably frustrating journey of trying to knit socks.

Today definitely had some ups and downs.I saw a movie I'd been waiting to see and truly enjoyed it. Then my printer decided to quit and I got into a bit of a fight with my husband because he asked me something I absolutely hate to hear when something goes wrong. He asked me what he could do to help.

Now normally, if he asks this when I'm carrying something heavy, or I could use an extra hand in the kitchen I don't mind this as I have something tangable for him to do. Instead he asked this knowing there was nothing he could do. He did this out of love, but all it does is aggravate me because there is nothing he can do so why waste the words. So he left for work, frustrated at my reaction and I left feeling in my that he would ask me such a silly question.

I definitely overreacted but I can't say I am sorry for how I feel. This however was just the beginning of the rest of my frustrating day.

When I went on a Freecycling mission (where people post stuff they want taken for free so it does not go in the garbage) I ended up going an hour away to an intersection which shares its name with two others in the immediate area. I obviously went to the wrong one.

So among the blowing snow and beautiful landscape the thing I had a lot of time to think. I began to think of why in the last two days I have been unable to ask my husband to spank me. I was so close last night but it felt like my brain was screaming at me to stop. During my journey today. I tried to figure out why my mouth was so eager to explain what I wanted yet all I could do was look at him while he waited expectently for me to say my piece.

It dawned on me today as I was alone in my car that I was afraid of what my confession would start. I was afraid that my independent feminist personality is stopping me from submitting to something I think about everyday.

My husband has been brought up to believe that the man of the household is the head and needs to take care of his family. While he certainly does not agree with oppression of women, I know that he feels the need to take care of me, whether I want it or not.

Do I truly believe that he will become a dominating person if I tell him my secret? Absolutely not!I know in my heart that while the dynamics of our relationship would change, I think it would change for the better. I am afraid of what he will think of me. I'm afraid he will think of me as the hypocrite for all the times I have gone on about feminism and the right of equality.

As I write this I realise how this makes him sound. I think I should explain that while I don't believe he is a true vanilla, he certainly does not understand the community I am now trying to be a part of. Perhaps it is not him I'm afraid of disappointing.  Perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am afraid that I will lose my ability to call myself as someone who believes in equal rights. Perhaps I will lose something of myself if I ask for it.

There are a lot of perhaps. I know I will not lose these things so why do I have the irrational fear? Is there anyone out there, who has felt the same way as me?

This is where I stop today. I don't want this to become a rambling post so I will ask for your opinion on this matter.

Blessed be and stay safe!

DA

P.s. Happy New Year!

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