Saturday, January 23, 2010

Procrastinating and thinking...

It has been a while since I have written and I blame it on the fact that I am working long but rewarding hours and I've had the flu for the last couple days.

So here I sit on a Saturday night, trying hard to ignore the mess of my home. Husband is working the late night shift and although I have a long list of things I want to get done, I really have no energy or inclination to do so. I have done some work I brought home with me even though I was not supposed to (hubby thinks that the work I bring home is why I am sick but I am not ready to admit that yet).

Being a bit of a loner, I really have no friends to call upon to legitimise my procrastination of cleaning. I have never been one to make friends easily, but then again it's not a high priority for me. Friends should come naturally, I think, and not be forced upon through circumstances or location. People are so varied so that even as a child, you can see the different personalities of people in a confined group.

When I started this journey into the world of spanking, I was still naive enough to think that to be part of a group you had to embrace all of the groups beliefs. Going to university at 17 gave me the freedom to explore this world without repercussions from my parents.  Not that I think they would have a problem, I just think they would become overprotective.

I have to admit that I became a little frightened from the first images that I saw when I typed the forbiddened word into Google. Most of the images I had my head were not of women with agonising pain sketched on their faces but those are the images that showed up. This ended up turning me off spanking a couple of months and I tried my best to forget I had even considered this activity to be normal.

But as many of you know that feeling just doesn't go away. Determined to find like-minded people, I decided to try a search again. This time I decided that maybe stories would be a better way, since I would be able to develop their images in my head instead of relying on camera. And thus, I found my niche.

I am sure most people would find my interests rather tame, the stories and pictures I like often have the spankee smiling and baiting the spanker and they are both enjoying themselves. It took me awhile to realize and accept that there are different levels (I hesitate to say the word levels as there really are no clear-cut levels) but I am starting to understand how people have come to like or want a type of play. I see the draw of being spanked to tears to relieve guilt or the thrill of being tied up and left helpless but it is not for me. It may be in the future (going to a spanking party has always interested me but I don't know if that will ever happen) but for now I am content to be plain old me.

While I still have not been able to fully tell my husband of my fantasies, he at least knows of mine interest. When I first told him, I might have been 19 years old and while he was accepting of this fact, he showed no desire and I think was taken back.

In the past year, it has been an interesting transformation for both of us. It was two weeks ago that he actually threatened to spank me but to him that means maybe one or two swats on my rear. I think my greatest fear is that I will lose the progress we have made together in this if I ask for something more.

Every weekend I make up my mind to tell him, to show him the pictures, or even my stories, and every weekend I chicken out. He knows I have something to tell him and I have a pretty good feeling he knows what it is about.

It's Saturday night, and I'm trying to ignore the mess in my home. I am trying to figure out a way to tell the person I love a secret which has been plaguing me the majority of my life. I am trying to share the real and true complete me.

Wish me luck! Keep safe everybody!

1 comment:

  1. Have you thought of printing this out and giving it to him ? If not that brave , leave it to be found .



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